Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Constant Void

It feels as if a lead is lodged into my heart. As if my heart is so heavy and painful that it's dragging onto the ground. And when I think about it, it's as if a blunt knife is twisted in my heart. It's not because it's the same girl that he's out with. What makes me feel so hurt, is because he's doing it again. As if he has forgotten how I felt last year when he did it. As if he has forgotten what he went through trying to apologise to me. As if he has forgotten what he said that night while comforting me. "I won't go out with another girl alone anymore. How do you feel if you were to follow me if I need to see a girl?" But a month after saying that, he said that he wanted to have breakfast with only her.

Granted, we were fighting a lot during that time. Plus, he told me that he doesn't make promises if he knows he can't keep them. Maybe he said those words to make me feel better, I don't know. And I know he won't cheat on me, ever. It doesn't mean I won't feel hurt.

And, to be honest, what also makes me so sad, sadder than him choosing to do something that will hurt me, is that I find so many flaws inside of me to the point where I think it's understandable why I feel so much pain over this. I've always wanted a husband who understands that in Islam, you must not be alone with another woman who is not your wife, mother, grandmother, sister or daughter. That there must be a respective distance between you and the person of an opposite sex. Yes, you're in a public area where people can see what you are doing. But if someone were to see my husband with another woman, laughing and smiling together, they might think that my husband is cheating on me. They might tell me and it will create tension between me and my husband. He might say it's nothing, but I will not know exactly what he feels on the inside. I've dreamt of having a husband that will love me because of Allah, and every soft spot in his heart will be for me because it is not right to have a soft spot for someone who is again, not your wife, mother, grandmother, sister or daughter. Because these soft spots can develop into deaper feelings if you allow them to exist. I've dreamt of a husband who will respect me and will put me as his third priority. First being Allah, second being his mother, and thirdly me, as his wife. I've dreamt of a husband who will invite me to pray together, who will lead the prayer because he knows it is his duty and we would deepen our knowledge of Islam together. A husband who will be the leader of the family, especially in an Islamic perspective. I've dreamt of a husband who can be even a fraction of how Nabi Muhammad (SAW) was as a husband to all his wives. So what is making me so, so sad? To the point where I was brought to tears?

 Because I don't think I am worthy of a husband like that.

Do I deserve a husband like that if I myself am unsure that I will treat him the way that I want him to treat me? At this moment I am not respecting my future husband, even if (insya Allah) it is H. I am not respecting my mother, my father (although he doesn't deserve it), Nabi Muhammad (SAW), Allah (SWT). I am not respecting myself by being so intimate with a man who is not my husband! Sure, I've stopped myself from contacting my male friends and from meeting them alone. But am I doing that with H? I break all my rules for him because I'm so addicted to him, which is not right. That is why the actions he make, the words he uses, are all capable of hurting me. When in actual fact, I don't even have the right to feel hurt because I am not his wife. What is the definition of a boyfriend and a girlfriend in Islam? There are none! It is haram. And how weak I am, how disrespectful I am to Allah by putting another human being in a position where Allah is suppose to be. If the void in my heart is filled with Allah, then I wouldn't feel hurt over the event that is happening right now. I couldn't help but weep, knowing that truly, I deserve feeling this pain. If I loved Allah with all my heart, I would walk away. Even if I am destined to marry H, I would let him go because that is the right thing to do.

To be honest, I am not angry at him. I just feel so, so sad. I know it's important for him to see her. That it involves his future. But there always alternatives. He could talk to her on the phone, or skype with her if need be. And it's true, he has known her longer than me. But if we're married and this happens again, how far are you willing to put a friendship over the woman you love? How far are you willing to let a mere friendship obscure what you know is right and what is wrong? And I'm already feeling so sad, with so many people relying on me. Mama relies on me emotionally and physically. I'm the only one who can listen to her 24/7 and I'm the only one who can run errands for her and cook for the family. And lately I've been the middle person between my parents. My older two sisters rely on me too. They're pregnant, so they need me to drive them around or I have to take care of my niece. Nawal relies on me because I'm the only one who can take care of her, to drive her around. Zayd relies on me when he needs to go out with papa. Come to think of it, when my siblings don't want to see him alone, I'm always the one who has to tag along. It's tiring, and it's eating me up inside. So shouldn't the person I love not cause me more sadness, and instead try his best to make me smile and is always careful to not hurt me?

But again, like I said, am I deserving of a husband like that? Just a couple of weeks ago I broke one of my rules: never be in the car with a male friend alone. Sure, Ben had no transport back. The other guys live in KL and I'm the only one who lives close to him. But I should have asked him to sit at the back at least, where there will be a fair distance between us instead of sitting at the front. No words can describe how regretful I feel. Plus, I've had my fair share of hurting H. I am no saint. Although he has some flaws (definitely lesser than me), he has been such a wonderful anchor for me. A rock for me to lean on when I feel as if I might collapse. And I've become so hurtful towards him, and the words I choose when I'm angry are so unfair. I haven't been there for him because of my family. I can't give him my all (which techinically I'm not suppose to until we're married). I'm not the kind of person he imagines himself married to. So who am I to demand things? Who am I to tell him that he must be a certain kind of husband to me? Who am I to ask someone who is not my husband, to care for my feelings and not hurt them? I have no right. And I must understand that and build the courage to walk away from him.

I just feel so sad. So, excrucuatingly sad. And I don't know how long I can take it being sad or if I can feel more sadness.

Yours truly,
Lost Mermaid

PS: I just got back my semester results. Lol. I knew I did terrible in Media Studies but I didn't know I did that bad. Haih. Need to work harder next semester.

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