Monday, May 18, 2015

Every Breath is A Strain

I've been having a wee bit of trouble with breathing lately. That's obviously because I haven't been exercising or watching what I eat. I've been eating excessively for the past month, eating a lot of fried food and chocolates. Even though some people think I always eat junk food, I usually don't.

That is, before this month.

At least I've been eating a lot of fruits. And I also admit, for the past two weeks or so I've been skipping either lunch or dinner because I was swarmed with assignments. Hence, the constant unhealthy snacks because they're easy to bring around and munch on. But not to worry! This gal is now as free as a butterfly. Just for a little while, though.

This weekend has been...interesting. Found out about things that I never knew, discovered a couple of revelations along the way, and finally admitted to myself that I'm still angry. Very, very, undeniably angry.

I always knew that P treated Z differently from me. Since the age gap is very close, we were like a package. Same with N as well (until now we're still addressed as the adik-adiks), but more so with me and Z. Plus, when the second time it happened, the others were away in boarding school so it was just me and Z. So if he wanted to take one of us out when we were young, the other has to follow as well. Nonetheless, even at a young age, he was always scolding Z. He treated me differently, always pampering me and manja-ed me in public. With Z, it's totally different. And the way he scolds Z compared to me...well, I wouldn't call it scolding out of love. However, we've all made the conclusion that he doesn't know how to handle boys compared to girls, especially since he came from a "women-dominated" family. Z told us something that happened when he was young. Something that even M or I didn't know.

Z was around five I think, at that time? And he was playing around with P and Z accidentally hit him in the shin. And as a reflex? P hit Z. A grown man, hitting a 5 year old boy because that child accidentally hit him. There is a difference between punishing a child out of anger and punishing a child because you want to teach that kid important values. And there is NO EXCUSE for punching a little boy, no matter how painful he accidentally kicked you.

When we found out, of course we were all shocked. Z told me that he peed in his pants because he got so scared. And I felt so sad for him, thinking that I should've been there. But then, what exactly could a six year old girl do, against a full grown man? Plus, one time I tried to defend Z against him, he shouted at me and told me not to be such a busy body. And M's reaction? You could hear the sadness, guilt and anger in her voice when Z told us. She has always been protective of Z and by knowing that she wasn't there and the fact that she didn't even know P hit Z? I can't imagine that feeling.

We all know that he has a temper. And that the way he loves, isn't the normal way of loving someone. One time, N wanted to hold his hand when she was about 8, I think? But he just slapped her hand away. Instead, M's best friend's husband held N's hand after he saw what P did. How heart breaking is that? Especially since N needs guidance while walking. And he slapped her hand away? And he said he loves us.

I always thought the reason why Z didn't follow us to the UK when I was three was because he was too young and because we didn't have enough money. I always knew that M regretted leaving Z all alone in Malaysia while we were there. I thought it was because of those normal "mother guilt-feelings". But it went deeper than that. This was when it happened the first time. The first time it happened was right after I was born, apparently. But anyway, I digress.

He was suppose to take care of Z while M, H, B, N and I were in the UK. But instead, he dumped a two year old boy to live at my grandma's house to do God knows what. How irresponsible!! And Z was traumatised! He was always screamed at by O, and when Z sought out for comfort from our maid at that time (she was honestly a blessing. She took such good care of our family when I was born and was our second mother figure), O will yell at our maid and wouldn't let her even hug Z to make him stop crying. Especially since O was the cause of it! That's not how you treat a two year old boy, for goodness sake. I saw the photos of Z when he was staying at O's house. There was a scared look in his eyes, tinged with sadness. His eyes were bloodshot and his smile looked forced. When we all came back, I remembered Z looking at us as if we were strangers. Even though I was really young at that time, I remembered asking my sister, "Z tak ingat? Tak ingat M pun?"

Oh, but he did remember M. And he was angry at her. He refused her affections and cried when she hugged him all night out of guilt. And M didn't know that the three months we spent in the UK, Z was staying at O's house. P lied to her. And she was so furious with him for abandoning Z. And she cried while holding Z the whole night after we came back, while he struggled to get out of her arms. M has always treated us all equally until now. Her love is divided endlessly between all five of us, but sometimes I thought she had this soft spot for Z, almost like guilt. Now I know why. To make things worse, right after we came back from the UK, P straight away told M that he wasn't going to live with us anymore and left us all.

I did question why we were living with Nenek and Yayi when I was young, even though we had a house. One time, when Z was admitted into the hospital because there was phlegm stuck in his lungs, I asked M why were we going back to Nenek's house while P was walking in a different direction towards his car. I don't remember her answer, but now I know. She told me that one time, while my siblings and I were sleeping on the floor in the living room at Nenek's house, Yayi sat on the couch and cried while we slept. And it breaks my heart knowing that. Even though we were not the real cause for his tears, it still pains me that he shed tears for us. And three year old me thought it was perfectly normal that P was not living with us. That he visited the house once in a while, whenever he feels as if he misses us. I thought all families were like that. Gosh, how messed up is that?

(PS: We were living in Nenek's house for a few months because we sold our previous house right after we came back from the UK so we had no where to live while waiting for our current house to be ready. Obviously, P wasn't there to take care of us)

P has always had a temper. Until now. Whenever he got angry, over small things or suddenly he'll burst out, it'll scare us. There's a photo of B when she was around two or one, I think. She was sitting at a corner, with a frightened look on her face when she looked at P. No one should feel that kind of fear towards someone who is suppose to protect you. When M scolds me, I don't get scared until I want to hide out of fear. But when P scolded me when I was young, I would hold my tears while my heart would beat frantically.

We're not scared of him now, of course. We know that we have the strength to protect ourselves, as well as M. Z told us that if P ever touches him again, or his children, P will regret it immensely. I don't doubt that in the least since Z can break someone's wrist in two seconds (he threatened he'll do it to me while he was holding my wrist because I was being super annoying lol). Plus, B and H have the protection of their husbands. So they're no longer tied to him.

It's me and N that M is worried most about. Mostly me. She feels as if I'm the one who will miss P the most. The one who is hurting more than the others. But to be honest? I just don't care. Okay, no. I'm just lying to myself and you by saying that. I'm boiling with rage, that's the truth. This whole business just enrages me. M keeps talking about it 24/7, which doesn't really help with my own mentality. I have become the messenger between P and M, which isn't all that great because this whole situation makes me want to set something on fire.

When will this end?

I feel as if I'll lose my mind every time I think about it in detail, or when I think about the future. It drives me insane whenever I see M sad, especially when I observe her without her noticing. It makes me want to throw something against the wall whenever P thinks it's alright to treat me better than the others. No, that's not how Islam works. You're not suppose to have favourites in your family.

And I feel so pissed off at that other family. Like how freaking stupid can you be stealing someone from another family? Of course, it takes two to tango. He told me that it's between him and Allah. If you truly believe in those words, you wouldn't have done it, out of fear and love towards Allah. "It's complicated", you say? Complicated my arse!! Nothing in this life is complicated if you follow what is instructed by Allah and done by Rasulullah SAW. Would you have done it with Nabi Muhammad by your side? Would you??

Gosh, you're not a leader. You're selfish, and a coward because you let others fight your battle. Sillaturrahim between family members are breaking because of what you have selfishly done! You celebrated this so-called marriage a couple of days after telling your younger children that you've "met someone recently" (Yeah right, recently as in two years is it?). And it was obviously planned before B even got married! That kind of ceremony takes longer than just two days to plan. How lavish you celebrated, while you've broken the hearts of the people you've sworn to protect and cherish and promised to never forsake. How easy it is for you to break your promises, to the people who has the right over your time and money and affections. Let me repeat, you gave OUR rights to people less deserving, who has no hold over you compared to US.

And the sad part? You still don't think you've done any wrong.


I feel guilty, though. With the way I've treated you. As if you're a stranger or a distant relative. This is a test for me, I know. No matter how angry I am at you, I will always pray for you, and may Allah open up your heart and grant you the hidayah that you desperately need.

Haih, so much anger inside of me. I've been sleeping excessively, and stuffing myself with food. And I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my family members because it'll be even more emotional, since they're involved in this. I don't want to talk to M's psychiatrist because that involves money. Plus I'm lazy and his clinic is so far away lol. Ni, A and S are far away from me. Plus, Ni rarely replies my whatsapp (surprise, surprise). Although I did tell all of them I'm doing fine, even though I am not so it's my fault if they think I'm alright. It's hard when everyone is so far away haih. I barely have any friends in Monash, besides C and Iz, but they're both in second year and we only spend an hour together per week. I sometimes tell H, but I know he doesn't really know what to do when I tell him about it. Or I get angry at him for the advices he gives me. Plus, I don't want him to listen to all my problems. He's already ladened with the difficulties in his life. I don't want to make it worse. It doesn't help that people are telling me about their problems, though. They're still messaging me about mundane things, as if what they're facing will mean so much in the next 5 years, or even the next week! They don't know that the world out there is so, so much more than what is in the tiny little bubble they're living in.

I know that the only One I can turn to is Allah. And I have been handling it quite well so far, in my opinion. Just that it's the time of the month again, so I can't pray or read the Al-Quran and I've just been feeling so lonely. Maybe I need this. To be alone. To find out who I am, to strengthen my bond with Allah and build my principles. I know I'm loved. I know I have my family, and that's enough. Even if people are not there for me, or if I am not in their priority list, that's fine. Because I'm in my own priority list, which is better than any other list (besides Allah's list of course) out there.

Life is so short to be living in sadness. I just pray that all of us will come out of this as contended and successful Muslims. Ameen.

Yours truly,
Lost Mermaid