Wednesday, July 15, 2015

A Heartfelt Apology

I want to tell you about a girl who loves a man. He means the world to her. He consumes every single corner of her mind, and even more so, in her heart. His place is not meant to be in her heart and yet she placed him there. She placed him in the void that is suppose to be filled with her love for Allah. She knew this, but she still did it even though she knew it was wrong.

More than a year has passed and they've created intimate memories, loving moments, found comfort in each other and saw a future together. It was never enough though, for the both of them. There will always be something that is wrong and fights that will lead to a break or bring the girl to tears and the man in anger. The girl knew why, though. She knew deep down that the void inside of her, that is suppose to be filled by Allah, is filled with someone who is not suppose to be there.

She loved him. Oh, and how she loved him. She still does. The generosity he gives her, the support he bestowed upon her when she is feeling low, the comfort he gives her when she is feeling sad. The kindness he shows to people who are in need, the way he can bond with children with ease. The responsibility he shoulders when it comes to his family, the way he is driven with ambition and how he has a strong hold on his principles. All of these are only a fraction of why she loves him with all her heart. But she knew what was right. And their relationship is not right in the eyes of Allah. She knew the step that has to be taken in order for their future to be blessed if they're destined to be together. I mean, why would Allah bless a couple when they've done so many haram things together?

And so, during Ramadan, the girl weeped to God. She pleaded Him to pardon her and the man. She asked Him to have mercy upon them and asked Him to give her the strength to remove the man from the void inside of her heart. She asked Allah to allow herself to love the man because of Him and because of Islam, not because of her nafsu. She prayed istiqarah in the middle of the night, and although she is still unsure if the man is her jodoh or not, she knew that them ending their relationship is the right thing to do. For him, for her, for their akhirat.

Oh, how she wished it wasn't so painful when she finally found the courage to do the right thing. Admittedly, she chose the most unfortunate of times to bring it up. And now he is in a state of anger and probably hates her more than his enemies. She is not leaving him because they fight a lot or because some words he throws at her are hurtful. It's not because he went out with another girl alone. It is not because of his actions or words that drove her in deciding to break up with him. She can handle all of that and has handled them before.

She loves him too much to know that she is the cause of his sins. She loves him so much to the point where she wants to see him be among the people by her side while they enter Jannahtul Firdous (Insya Allah) and that he is one of the first five people she prays for Allah to forgive his sins and to bless him and his family endlessly. She loves him so much until she is willing to let him go because of Allah, even though it feels as if her heart is torn out of her chest. She loves him too much to the point where she wants to take back her words and beg him to take her back.

But she knows this is the right thing to do.

And so she hopes they can still be friends, that he will still know that she will still be there for him, that he and his family have always been and will always be in her prayers. And Insya Allah, if he still has feelings for her, if they are destined to be together, if she is the kind of wife the man desires to have (mind you, she isn't even close to half of what a Muslim wife should be!), then Insya Allah she will be waiting for him. "Gardens of perpetual residence; they will enter them with whoever were righteous among their fathers, their spouses, and their descendants. And the angels will enter upon them from every gate, [saying], 'Peace be upon you for what you patiently endured. And excellent is the final home'" (Surah Ar-Ra'ad, Ayat 23-24). And she prays that both she and the man will be greeted by Angels just as was mentioned in the Al-Quran.

For now she will pray that the man will forgive her for all the wrongdoings she has done to him. For bringing up the topic of "breaking up" at a time when he needs someone. For every pain, she has caused him and she hopes he will forgive her for doing this. And she hopes he won't find her pathetic and understand that she really is doing this for the both of them and primarily, for Allah. He is and will always be that kind hearted guy who captured her heart back in 2013. He is still the most generous, loving, kindest and most handsome man she is still in love with.

I love you panda, superman, bubu, sweet cheeks, honey cakes. I love you and I'm sorry, sayang.

Yours truly,
Lost Mermaid

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